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MAKEOVER TV

I saw one of the saddest TV shows while in Montreal. It was a makeover show but for this episode they used this sad clueless old couple.

Before I go into sad old people land, you should know that makeover shows in general upset me. The whole concept of being “Hollywood approved” is creepy and makes my heart hurt. They spend all of this time turning regular people into celebrities, when I would much rather see them turn celebrities into real people. Let those assholes see how it feels to walk in our shoes.

“Next week on Celebrity Makeover — Mel Gibson!

Mel has been rich enough to surround himself with people of his own choosing. That sure is a lot of white people Mel…see what happens when we fly him all expenses paid to the sunny city of Detroit!

Wow! They don’t seem to like that word here very much. Turns out when you scream maniac hate speech at anyone who’s not your terrified ex wife they fight back! Enjoy the hospital you racist fuck!

Oh wait, you’ve been made over into a real person so you don’t have health insurance and are out of money since you maxed out your “Target” credit card to by clothing so you didn’t have to wear a towel to work.

Tom Cruise!

Hey Crazy Face! We’re going to transform you from the spaceship worshipping believer in curing disease with cult magic into someone who could be held criminally responsible if your family were hospitalized because you thought you could cure chickenpox by wishing on a star! I wonder if Xenu makes conjugal visits cause it sure will get lonely when you can’t bang Dawson’s Creek everyday!

Donald Trump!

Sorry real life Mr. Burns, you can’t buy another million dollar estate because it seems you took out a subprime mortgage loan. Even though you paid off what you borrowed you still owe the bank years of interest, who quite honestly don’t need any of your money but they have ceo’s that need more yachts they probably won’t use! Have fun using the macaroni necklace your kids made you to feed your sad face until next paycheck.”

These are the makeover shows I want to see. But what do we get?

“Joseph and Marry are 60 years young and don’t look ready for the club.”

Should they be?! They’re 60! Should anyone ever be ready for the club?!

Then the cameras cuts to this sad looking frumpy couple from the Midwest who look like they were tricked into doing this show or mistakenly showed up thinking it was the price is right.

“They’ve gone 60 years being themselves and cultivating an original personality. And we’re here to change that and turn these old hags into every spoiled as fuck teenager you see on our shitty fucking networks! Fuck you old person! With your reindeer sweater, harmless demeanor, and inexplicable love of Michael Bubble! Let’s get you whored out and onto the dance floor!”

“But I don’t want to dance I’m 60.”

“ YOU WANT TO BE NORMAL!”

We are reverting back to high school as a nation. This is peer pressure for adults.

“Now Joe get out of those clunky boots.”

“But they help me on the farm.”

“Well maybe you’ll change your mind after you see Mary in her new high heels! How do those feel?”

“I can’t get up.”

I was waiting for the host to be like –

“Now, Mary, you know what we are going to do next? You know what will make you the coolest lady on the block? Suck my dick. Suck on Ricky’s big TV dick. Come on Mary all the cool kids are doing it. You want to be popular don’t you?

“But that’s my Mary.”

“Hey Joe, do you like your new American Apparel V Neck or not? Then shut the fuck up and work my balls. “

We are not that far away.

Try to better yourself because you want to get better. Not because some network hack wants something new to jerk off to besides the latest episode of Entourage. When I look at all of the “beautiful” people I see nothing but sad empty shells. Empty shells that were told they need to look how everyone else looks. Doesn’t seem like a fun place to be.

New Tour Dates Up on the Gig Page

Austin, Vancouver, Seattle, San Fran, Kansas City, Minneapolis and more coming soon. Start spreading the word and then lets fuck these cities up eh?

Dear Asshole

Glad you decided two weeks in advance to plan a UK tour you dumb glob of cock snot. I can’t believe we are in the same body.

I’ll find a way to get out
Brain

Vegas Tim Minchin Paul F Tompkins Moby Billy Connolly and Dominic Dierkes

We just got back from Montreal and Vegas. I will miss Vegas the same way I’m assuming soldiers miss war. I will never forget Vegas, much like I will never forget September 11th. And I will think of Vegas every time I want to die.

I would like to remind everyone that Vegas is real. It exists. It was built. It is lived in. It is enjoyed. There is a place in America where you go to put money in machines, and that machines sole purpose is to not give you back your money.

The most romantic thing you can do in said city, is be married by an Elvis impersonator. Someone who dresses up as someone, who fucked a minor and died while taking a shit. A story for the grandchildren I imagine.

There were smoking mothers, and hooters hotels, and more buffets then I thought were possible. And we didn’t even leave the hotel. There were packs of frat guys who thought the movie the hangover wasn’t so much a comedy as it was something to aspire to. They were fucking everywhere.

The outfits that these casino girls wore were more damaging to feminism then if a video was released of Gloria Steinem being gangbanged by all the Republican members of congress.

What I’m trying to say is it’s good to be home. In the last two weeks we have interviewed some of my heroes for Citizen Radio (wearecitizenradio.com to subscribe). And next week we have even more crazy ones!

Here are some links for you to enjoy.

Two of my favorite people/comics Tim Minchin and Dominic Dierkes – Listen here

Paul F Tompkins –Listen here the quality is kinda shitty on this one since we taped outside but Paul is possibly the greatest working comic right now.

And this show I blogged about all ready (should air next week) but for now photos of Citizen Radio Live! with Moby and Billy Connolly: Pictures

I love you all.