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Republicans in Congress Should Be Forced To Have Sex With Each Other.

So Ken Mehlman is gay. Another Republican male, who spearheaded anti-gay initiatives, likes dudes. It’s infuriating, heartbreaking, and not at all surprising.

This is why I propose that before you become a Republican member of Congress you must sleep with at least one other Republican politician of the same sex.

My theory (based on numbers and fancy words) is this pent-up sexual frustration is why Republicans are so hell bent on preventing gay marriage. The old “if I can’t have him, nobody can!” routine. Bet you thought that was just for high school kids. Nope! Crazy old white dudes, as well!

Think about how much suffering will be alleviated if these repressed, gay-hating old men got to lay atop other repressed gay-hating old men! The image is horrendous, but the benefits — priceless.

And, oh boy! Can you imagine the pairings?! A happy and out-of-the-closet Lindsey Graham skipping down the halls of Fox News with Orin Hatch– fabulous accessories in one hand, freedom in the other.

When you read the anti-gay rhetoric being spewed from the right it just screams hidden boners and dive-bombing to the off button of your laptop when the wife walks in. For example, James Dobson, the former head of Family Research Council… or the Family Center….I don’t know….something with the word “family” in it. (You can bet that if an organization has the word “family” in it they hate the gays. Just like if it has the word “freedom” in it they hate black people. Dobson said this about fixing gay people:

“Meanwhile, the boy’s father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son’s maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.”

Oh. My. God. Just fuck a dude, James! Just grab Lindsey Graham by his weird little dick and get it over with! Stop taking your repressed urges out on your poor kid. Also, how is your solution to not be gay MORE dicks? Don’t you think you would want to remove dicks from the equation? “When my son starts talking gay, I take him in the shower with me and show him my big ol’ dong dick, and if he still acts up, I like to smack him in the head with my dick to try to knock all the gay out.” Just stop it.

If we were not such a prude culture, and people could act on their natural urges, maybe there would not be as much hate and discrimination in this country. Also, from what I have noticed, gay people are nicer. Also, I really want Orin Hatch and Lindsey to start dating. They would be adorable.

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