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GONE HONEYMOONING

When I met Allison I was either drunk, high, or on some form of medication. Most 23 year old kids are. The problem was it was noon on a Tuesday and I was at work.

She was wearing a Superman tee-shirt which happens to be my weakness. Some dudes are “tit men” or “ass men” Not me. I’m a “I hope you enjoy reading about parallel universes where all laws of science can be broken to stop bank robberies” man. Don’t get me wrong she was super cute as well. But this indicated that she was hot and not an awful bore like most girls I met at the time.

So within her first hour of working at this bookstore I rushed up to her like a panicked child who had just lost their parents and MEANT to say “I also have a superman shirt.”

Which I do.

And that would have been a great way to start a conversation about Krypton, which is how I like most of my conversations with girls to start. However, what I actually said was “I have THAT shirt.” Which would have been fine except for the fact that she was wearing a tight girlie superman shirt with glitter on it. (she denies there was glitter.)

So –

Spaz Me – I have that shirt!

Confused her – What?

Terrified me – What?

Silent her.

Me – Bye!

Our boss – That’s Jamie.

And I ran off like a hyper turd into the night of the bookstore.

For some reason my boss assigned me to train Allison. This worked out because I could teach her how to avoid doing all work and she liked that. She told me she was a failing writer. I told her I was a failing comic. And we told each other we each loved Bill Hicks. Suddenly I had a reason to want to go to work. And more of a reason to teach her how not to work. I was the Anti – Mr. Miyagi.

Our first date was me attempting to buy her coffee at the adjoining coffee shop. I was pretty excited about this move. She knew how poor I was so this would be an awesome gesture that would win her over.

Quick aside – here is how poor I was…

Before I knew that Splenda was essentially “wrapped up tumor flakes” I used to put it in everything. However, I could never afford to buy boxes of it. So three times a day I would walk by the coffee show and grab what could only be described as “mountians” of Splenda and put them in my pocket or wallet and then dump them in a bowl when I got home.

Cut back to Allison and I in line ready to get coffee and me saying something awful like “no really, get a medium, it’s on me.” She orders and I bust out my wallet. Now you know that scene in the movies where the dude accidentally opens his wallet upside down to reveal he has no money? What’s the only thing that could possibly be sadder than that you ask? How about opening my wallet only to have a sad crinkled splenda packet slowly drift down to the floor. Revealing my love of girlie stolen sugar and my hatred of money.

Allison bought my coffee that day. She also fed me bread on a bathroom floor when I drank too much and we had only been dating for about a week. She has taken wasted phone calls from me out on the road when I wanted to find the “president of comedy and light his fucking face on fire.” cause I had a bad gig.

She’s lived out of the car with me because I thought that was the best way to make a living. She tells me when I’m being an idiot but is also the first person who convinced me I was smart.

We got married on July 11th after being engaged for a little more than a week cause we couldn’t wait. She didn’t want a dress, or lots of people. She just wanted me. The stupid me that got sick on the floor, tried to buy her coffee with stolen Splenda and who’s first line to her was “Hello, I own a girls shirt.”

We are taking our first vacation in 5 years tomorrow and I’ll be away from my computer till Sunday. I wish I could go back in time and tell 16 year old Jamie that everything is going to be OK. That he’s not an idiot for thinking there is such a thing as a beautiful, smart girl who loves comics and wants to change the world. I would tell him to get his head off of his math desk and cheer up because it will totally be worth the wait.

Comments

  1. SFA said:

    I barely know you two, but I LOVE you two.

  2. Michelle Stein said:

    Jamie-

    I fuc*ing love this story. It is deliciously charming, romantic AND perfectly quirky!

    thanks so much for sharing this. by the way, you are an amazing comedian. you speak from the heart. watching you is akin to listening to brilliant jazz. allison is far from a ‘failed’ writer! like you, she writes from the heart. and brilliantly i might add.

    happy holiday-ing!

  3. Alan Seltzer said:

    Congratulations, Jamie and Allison! What a wonderful couple you are. I enjoy reading your writing; I was laughing out loud. Glad you fell asleep in math and not English!

    • Jamie said:

      Ha! Thanks Mr. Seltzer. You are the only person that could have made me feel better about that piece. Nothing beats high school validation!